Quarterlife Queer

We all have our hurdles in the queer community… Butch women are constantly out… femmes are invisible…but it’s us in the middle that get forgotten.

We are the lonely bunch..never butch enough..never comfortable enough as femme. We negotiate a space where people wonder about us constantly..where it’s not really a surprise that we are what we are, people just wait for confirmation.  The outside world thinks we are an acceptable amount of queer..easy to identify yet not threatening.

We’re the acceptable. Like light skinned curly haired black people..we get a pass.

But in our own community we are forgotten..shuffled into a neater box..shunned when we step out of it. We can’t conform to the heteronormative limitations people like to make the rules in this community. We don’t count for who we are..we only count when we can be put in one or the other..we make ppl uneasy. Challenge a butch that see’s us one day in girl clothes and the next in the same things as them.

My community forgets me because I don’t fit in their boxes..so how could I understand..or matter.

But we understand so much more clearly than people give us credit… I know what it feels like to be a dyke on sight and I know what it feels like to be completely invisible..and I know what it feels like not to matter. I know what it feels like to be written off..to be safe…to be alone

But none of that matters. Because nobody makes films about me…nobody writes books about my struggle..nobody puts together conferences..

Because nobody knows we exist until we make a choice.

Because this song gives me LIFE..

I love music that makes me remember why I fell in love with music in the first place…

I guess in saying everything I have in the last two posts I should share how I self identify my sexuality. I, as stated before, believe that Queer is an umbrella term that houses all the LGBTQ… community. To me a stud is queer the same way a femme is queer. We are all one big happy queer family. But I do believe that under that umbrella their are a multitude of sub-identities. I self identify as Same-Gender Loving.

Same Gender Loving (SGL) is a term coined by AA’s to define homosexuality outside of the eurocentric homosexual definition. (Kinda like Womanist vs Feminist except without as much theoretical difference behind it) SGL speaks to the spiritual connection rather than the sex. (Since almost everything based in a eurocentric mindset is lacking in spirit..another blog for another day) I love the fact that it has the word “Loving” in it…not “sexual” but “loving”.  This is the basis of what it means..nothing too elaborate, but like with every queer identity there is more to that definition as it pertains to me.

To me the word “Gender” is just as important as the word “Loving”. I spent two years of undergrad immersing myself in gender theory, learning about how gender is different than sex, learning how it is formed and how it is expressed. The simple fact is we do gender, it has nothing to do with our sex per say although it sometimes lines up. Gender is a spectrum..from hyper masculine to hyper feminine and we all fall in there somewhere.Gender is also fluid, changing, encompassing more than what we know.

The gender that I “do” is female but very close to androgynous, although a lot of my behaviors can be seen as masculine (I am ever changing and the older I get the harder I lean on the androgynous line) So as a SGL individual I am attracted to other individuals that “do” female or androgyny.

My girlfriend is 500% female, she is a High Femme…and as Fabu as she can be. I’ve never been with anyone that does female the way that she does and I LOVE IT! She is the epitome of what I’ve always wanted in a female and a partner..she is the epitome of a lot of things..but I’ll save that for later 😉

Easy to understand huh? Well here comes the “gotcha gotcha”  that seems to make some ppl say..”Huh?” I’m also  attracted to men(biological) that can bring that same female energy.(GASP) Now I must follow that by saying..honey..I don’t have sex with men (biological or in gender) so no matter if they were bringing some level of femininity that hasn’t even been charted yet bc it’s so BRIGHT..if they have some extra body parts I could NEVER get down. Now,post operation..hmm..I’ve never been in that situation to tell you how I feel about that. But I am attracted..I will take a double look, i will comment on how beautiful they are..and I do have a crush on a certain beautiful man named B. Scott! (who doesn’t)

That no men rule applies to gender as well as sex. I don’t do well with girls more masculine than me. Studs, AG’s, Bois…nope..they all do their Gender as male and since I am a Same Gender Loving FEMALE they get no play from me.

Got it?

I guess to recap, I love people whose gender is female…whether they are biologically female or male..but I’m only sexually attracted to people that are biologically female. That seems easy to me..but I understand that I don’t fit into most peoples definition of a lesbian..so I only use that word when its used by others first. But I’m use to not fitting in neatly (another post for another day)

So this exploration is not over… I think I could talk about Queer Identity all day 🙂

Peace

As I continue to delve into thinking about how we form individual ideals of what queer identity is (as much for a topic here as in my own exploration of my identity), I think it’s important to think about how this variable identity intersects with all of our other identities…thinking about how they over lap and intertwine…how they are distinct yet so much alike.

There are also a million questions about how individuals with multiple identities work them…How many do you have? Do you form and individual understanding of each or just let them fall into place based on society? Can they change?

Most of us have multiple identities, and many of us have multiple identities that are social “marginalized” or considered “minorities”.  For example I am a triple “minority”… Black/Queer/Female. Each of my identities hold their own weight, they have their own meanings which have nothing to do with the others and everything to do with the others. They are three distinct identities that while they appear to be completely separate they can not be. I am at all times all of these things, I can’t put away my sex and just be my race nor can I put away my race and just be queer.  And while I can’t separate them, i also can’t protect them from each other. I can’t shield my queerness from the homophobia of the black community and I can’t shield my blackness from the white queers that have no idea what it means to have more than one oppressive force standing on their neck.

All multi-identity people must find a balance of these identities, must find a way to 1) identify the way that makes them comfortable, 2) confront and deal with the intersections of these identities and 3) develop a way to fit into all of the communities you are part of.

I think for many QPOC this can be very difficult, especially when one of there communities is oppressive of  another.One of my biggest pet peeves (and I know that some people just can’t balance) are QPOC that choose one identity over the other. The type that  that despite the fact that homophobia and heterosexism blatantly effects their lives they will abandon and even openly detach themselves from queer issues to make a point that racism is more relevant to them. How do you choose which of your own identities doesn’t deserve to be fought for? How do you separate and neglect one identity from the other? To me that sounds like cutting off your nose to spite your face.

How many identities do you have? And how do you balance them when they are conflicting? Do you have one that you identify with more? Do you find yourself in a community of people that identify with all the same identities as you are do the people you spend time with share just one and are otherwise diverse?

I never really thought about how many questions there are to ask about identity…hmmm

Some would say I was born an idealist. I would say I was just born with an unalterable determination. It’s landed me here…working for an organization that fights and wins in the State. An organization that time and time again stands up to the giant..picks up a rock and launches it. The giant falls all the time. It’s tough work. It’s tougher knowing all the things that are going on in the Missouri legislature and not being able to throw a rock at every giant.

I was reminded twice in the near past that MONA (The Missouri Nondiscrimination Act) has not passed. That in a world where Iowa..of all places..can do something so progressive (and by progressive I mean RIGHT) as legalize same-sex marriage, this state it is perfectly legal to discriminate against me based on my sexual orientation. How does that make sense?

This state also has a legislature that voted to allow concealed weapons on the campuses of state universities, freeze the pay rate for tipped employees (despite 76% of voters in the state voting to raise and make COLA adjustments to the minimum wages of tipped employees), and refused billions of dollars in stimulus money while cutting essential health and social services programs.

I live in a very ass-backwards place. I may have been born here but this is no home to me. I am, however, here to fight the good fight and, as they say, ” Do the Lord’s work”

I often wonder how I can do more..

In my dreamworld I have the time and resources to bring all the giants to their knees and elect legislators that understand the importance of doing the right thing.

am⋅bi⋅tion

–noun

–verb (used with object)

I’ve been away..mad busy. Work. School…Life.

I feel like blogging… maybe soon.

1. I started drinking coffee when I was 3. I use to drink it in my Garfield mug on the weekends. I LOVE coffee to this day (even though it doesn’t love me back) But, I think it stunted my growth. There is no way I was supposed to be this short. I mean..I’m 5’4 and wear a size 10 shoe..and can damn near palm a basketball..um..I’m sure I was supposed to be at least 3 inches taller.
2. I have never been in the closet..and I’ll never be in one. I am who I am..and if anyone has a problem with that..it’s not my problem. I am a Queer WOC, I can’t be anything else. I’mma do me regardless of what you think.
3. Music is sanity to me. If I’m not listening to music then I’m humming it. I live to find new artists and new songs before they become mainstream. I love music in other languages..even though I don’t always know what they are saying. I just feel like when you don’t know what the words mean..you have to be more in tune to the emotion behind the music.
4. I was born 7 weeks early. I was supposed to be a 4^th of July baby, but I had other things in mind. My heart stopped during delivery. I like to say I saw death before I knew life. (that’s some deep ish right there.lol)
5. I love the outdoors (when it’s not cold). My first word was “outside”…no lie. I love to feel the sun on my skin and the wind through my hair. I need to move somewhere with good weather so I can walk barefoot in the grass all year long.
6. I LOVE the building we live in. I love the café downstairs and the caterers that feed us, and the labyrinth out front.
7. I’m addicted to sugar. I love sweets, mainly ice cream and tres leches (which I had yesterday) One of my new years resolutions was to break the need for sugar..so far I have been eating less and less..I’m so proud of myself for not going into withdrawals and snapping on people.lol
8. I love the nature of my work. I think I was put on this earth to stand up for those that can’t stand up for themselves and to be an agent of change. I love working with progressive people on progressive politics.
9. My latest tattoo means the most to me. The quote “Your silence will not protect you” resonates in my soul. I try to live my life, always remembering this quote, knowing that nothing can improve if it is swept under the rug or if we stay silent. When I feel/see/hear about injustice..I scream from the mountain tops.
10. I’ve never broken a bone or had surgery.. but I’ve had pneumonia 10+ times. It really is amazing that my lungs work properly. Thank you Universe for letting me “semi” grow out of my Asthma.
11. At some part of my life I want to be able to say I spend more time outside of the U.S. than at home. I want to see the world.

12. I have a tendency to drop out of peoples life when my plate gets too full. Most of the time my disappearances are to protect my friends from whatever is bothering me,I always find a way back to my true friends though with no love lost..(Right V?) My real friends get me.
13. I have never been drunk. I drink and drink and drink..and nothing. I guess I have some weird genes. One day I want to get sloppy..just to have the story to tell.
14. I think American food is boring.. burgers and fries are not REAL food. I could live solely on Ethiopian, Indian, and Cuban/Caribean/Mexican.
15. I have a BIG ego. Beyonce wrote a song about me on her last album.lol j/k Really, I spent a large majority of my childhood being insecure about myself..now I love me and I want the world to know it.
16. I am loud, opinionated, and sassy. I am also humble (about most things), loving, and optimistic…I think it all balances out.
17. I don’t believe in this distorted man made Christianity the world is trying to pawn off on us. But I do love me some gospel music.lol
18. My anxiety can go from 0 to 1000 in less than 30 seconds. I’m such a worrier. If I start worrying about one thing I’ll have a long list of things to worry about in no time. I think it’s getting better though. I’ve learned not to worry about what I can’t change.
19. I’ve never met my father..I know who the sucka is and where he is…we just both do our best to not see each other. It’s worked out for the last 22 years.
20. 2009 is my year..I’m claiming it. It’s my year to have fun, be happy, and enjoy life..mos def!
21. I am a total musical whore. The last thing I saw on stage was “Wicked” and it was AMAZING. I can’t wait to see “Rent” this summer!
22. I am also a fashion/gossip blog whore..I need the nonsense to keep me sane. Sometimes reality is just bogs me down..but YBF keeps me balanced.
23. I have a really hard time finishing a book. I start one and before I can finish (no matter how good it is) I start another book.
24. I am restless..all the time. I can’t sit still..can’t stay in one place too long. I always need something to do.
25. I am thankful..so very thankful everyday that I wake up. I’m thankful for all the lessons I have to learn, big and small. I’m thankful for all that’s good and all that’s not. And most important.. I am thankful for all the people in my life that care and love for me.

I need a time machine. Seriously. Not to go back in time and re-live or change anything.No. I want to see into the future. Specifically, I want to see myself at 30. What will I be like in 7 years? Will I have my masters? My Ph.D? Where will I live? What will I be doing? Will I have the same friends that I have now? Will I like the same things that I do now? Will I have accomplished all I have set out to do by then? Will I have kids? Will I have these locs? What tragic things will have happened? Will my Granny be alive? Will I be alive?

I use to have everything all figured out about my future. In 10th grade we had to write our own obituaries. (Later our teacher got in a bunch of trouble for making a bunch of 15 yr olds write about their own death..but it was actually kind of fun.) I remember sitting down and writing out a beautiful story about my life and the children I would have and my two careers (at that point I was still convinced at 40 i would go back to school and change my career). I think I died at 100 or so.  That next year, the future changed for me as the husband in my obituary became my wife. In 12th grade I had to do a wedding project in Sociology. Since I was the most out queer spokesperson in the entire school (my highschool was VERY queer friendly, with a host of queer students and teachers) of course I made my wedding to a girl (My first). It was a beautiful wedding(my dress was very Hillary Swank Million Dollar Baby Oscar dress, minus the long sleeves and cuter in the front)..I did a really good job and of course got an “A”. I knew what college I was going to my freshman year of high school, I knew what I was going to study and it all came true. But if you asked me 7 yrs ago what I thought my life would be like now I never could have even imagined some of the stuff that has happened to me in those 7 years.

I use to always have it figured out every time something major changed in my life. “Ok, now that this has happened my future will look like..this.” I wanted to have all my children before I was 30. I wanted to be a Psychologist and live oversees. Now, for the very first time I just don’t know. I feel like in the last year I have learned to stop planning and just go with the opportunities that I come across. I took the blinders off to things outside of the ” Master Plan”. I have learned in my chosen field that sometimes (almost all the time) your job takes you away from the life you make and most ppl never really settle or have kids till much much later.

I just wish I could have a peek into my life at 30..

But since I don’t have a time machine I’ll just pray to Oshun for good health and prosperity, I’ll pray to Oya to bring the winds of change to continue to let me learn and grow, and I’ll pray to Yemaya to keep me safe along the journey.

oh..so this video is mad random BUT these two beautiful souls came to me in a dream last night.. And this piece is so perfect..no?