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Quarterlife Queer

A never ending story

Monthly Archives: May 2011

An Open Letter to those I call Friend:

Today (thanks to Oprah and her final show) I have been thinking about how caught up I get in the crisis and chaos in my life.. how sometimes I get so focused on finding a solution to the problem that I don’t learn from it. Sometimes I get so caught up going down the path that I THINK has been set up for me or that I WANT to be for me..that I miss all the signs that tell me that i’m going the wrong way.

I don’t make resolutions at the beginning of the year… I kind of feel like they either fail miserably because there is no real intention behind them or they pave the way for me to be clinging to the wrong path simply because I don’t want to fail.  But at the beginning of this year I sat in a spiritual circle and set an intition to give up the need to control my life and all the situations in it.

I wouldn’t say I’ve failed at that intention.. I think I just forgot about it.

I also think I forgot about giving myself permission to be honest..to be myself.. to have my own opinions and make them heard..to disagree..to know that who I am is important to someone and that someone is ME! And..to know that being honest..no matter who doesn’t like my truth..it is MY truth and that I hurt myself more by not living in it to protect others than I could ever hurt other’s by living something they don’t like.

So here I am.. reminding myself that I am suppose to be working on not trying to control my life..working on taking a moment to step out of crisis and chaos to learn the lesson instead of controlling the solutions and outcomes…working on living MY truth no matter how different it is from those around me..

And if you are reading this.. I just ask that you call me out if you find me caught up..stressed out..lying about myself.

A swift kick in the ass is appreciated. 🙂

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10 things I learned about myself/my world last week:

  1. The things that make me happy are not everyone’s cup of tea…but i’m the one drinking it. *shrug*
  2. My body has limits and lets me know when it is fed up..LOUDLY!
  3. There is a lot of wisdom in casual conversations..I just have to know how to store it for later.
  4. I have love/hate relationships with everything about being social… online and offline..and I’m ok with that.
  5. I have some hilarious friends.
  6. Calendars are my homie.
  7. I fear my potential..it’s a major road block.
  8. I need a creative hobby asap.. (can someone organize me into one? No? I have to figure it out myself? Whatever. lol)
  9. I’m use to getting called “Sir” now..i don’t flinch about it anymore
  10. I love fresh squeezed basil lemonade.
(New every sunday post to get me to reflect on the past week..)

With all of the recent changes in my life (leaving a job, graduating, moving to Los Angeles) there have been a lot of conversations around me about defining, building, and sustaining personal community(ies).  But, the more conversations I engage in and the more I am pushed and tugged in my life to form and accept communities that were not organically chosen by ME.. I find myself with less and less of an understanding about what community SHOULD be and more and more frustration about the community I am suppose to be a part of.

Prior to moving to LA the action of community building has always been motivated by   shared values/mission or geographical location for me. Whether it was school or work the people I chose to be part of what I considered my community shared those things with me or I shared space and communal responsibility with them. Now that I live in LA.. someone elses “Chosen Family”/community has become like a family you are born into.. you get what you get.

My life has become a lot of forced community with people I have little to nothing in common with (not to say that these interactions don’t serve to help me push myself and learn new things..some do), a lot of censoring visceral reactions to actions of people that I don’t feel I will be accepted in correcting..don’t see the point..or have been made to feel uncomfortable doing so ( like who knew so many latino’s thought it is ok to use “nigga”?? and do people not realize that when you say “ghetto” I know you mean black), a lot of being forced into boxes and labels (no..my voice does not match my butch exterior..thanks for letting me know). Really, for the first time in my entire life I have been in a room full of friends and been the only black person o_O.

I have been fortunate to be able to come into a new city with a group of friends that would gladly lend a hand if needed…and will gladly grab a drink or watch a movie or eat some brunch. And I LOVE most of them.. But a group of friends does not a community make.

So what does make a community? The hell if I know right now. Is it issue based or geographical? Ummm..

I do know that whatever it is it can’t be based off of someone elses community and it has to include some people that understand you on a higher level than us all being queer or POC.. I need to feel like my community is working together for something in a healthy way and achieving things other than just hanging out.

But how do you create that? Can that be created and sustained via social media? or across members all thousands of miles away? Can communities survive without “real life” interaction? What does healthy mean?

and so..here I am back where I started..ranting..less understanding and more frustration. I guess this is what happens when have so much time to sit and think about every aspect of life..over and over. *sigh*

( This was originally Posted on June 11, 2010..but today I am revisiting this intention out of hope and necessity .. I think I’m finally ready to birth myself in this space)

This is my intention, it always helps to write it down, to speak it to the universe…

I will use this blog to talk about what is important to ME as a 25 y/o Queer Woman of Color… This blog will be a place where I can rejoice in all of my identities..This blog will be a place of freedom to be me and to have my thoughts.

This blog will be like the world I wish to live in..but I will remember that we must live and work in the world the way it is..not the way you want it to be.

On this blog I will not pretend that the things that make me angry like racism, homophobia, heterosexism, heteronormaty, Zionism, immigration reform, politics politics politics, don’t make me angry or that they don’t exist. All I will do is work to change those things..through my words, and my actions, and my heart.

That is why I am creating this blog..painstakingly..taking lots of deliberate steps and thought and nurturing this space.

This space I will create is my altar…my sacred space..my “thank you” to the ancestors that fought hard before me..that got angry before me..that survived and overcame and never stopped..that taught me “your silence will not protect you”

These are my intentions here..and as I meditate over those intentions..I know that the extreme writers block that I have been experiencing over these past few months will be lifted when the Universe feels it is time for me to share.

namaste