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Quarterlife Queer

A never ending story

My Lessons from the last week include:

  1. There are people that know exactly how I feel about important things in my life..people I’m just getting to know who just GET IT!
  2. The universe will continue to test and bless at the same time..over and over..I just have to believe that there is an award at that end.
  3. “When you feel crazy it’s because buried deep inside you know what you want to do, you are just fighting against it.” ( I heard this on some web series I was watching last week..and it struck me..it hit me close because I often find myself saying ” I don’t know what I’m doing” but in reality..I almost always do.)
  4. The food at “The Boiling Crab” has crack in it..
  5. I LOVE our house and that it is the place for gatherings. Give me that QWTOC community space!!
  6. People don’t treat you the way you treat them.. they treat you the way they know how to treat you based on what works in their life and their experiences. ( This is a tough one.. learning that people don’t just mirror your actions/attention/affection/intention…I’m learning this very slowly)
  7. I don’t know what “Swagu” is.. but i’m dripping it!
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Let’s talk for a second about a chronic illness I have.. it’s called an unbalanced life.

My symptoms include  living in a bubble of serious, extreme frustration with life, lack of fun, chronic complaining, over analysis of every thing, extreme calendering, the inability to not plan things out leading to extreme aversion of plans from being overwhelmed, sailor mouth (ok..that might just be me),  debbie downer-ism even when I don’t feel down…and the list goes on.

This chronic disease has followed me around since birth. I was the child that sat on the front steps contemplating life and watching the other kids play. I was the teen who hung out with mostly people in their twenties and the young adult that didn’t spend my 21st birthday at the bar (ugh..that story is really messed up though so we won’t go down that road).

I simply can’t seem to figure out how to do it all.. and by all I mean how to work hard and be focused, be good to myself, have a great relationship, and have a kick ass social life. I can get two or three of the four down at a time..but NEVER all of them.  I usually put the ones I can’t fit onto my plate away and forget about them until I can’t bare life any more and then realize “Oh, no wonder I am burned out and sad..I’m not taking care of myself or having a social life”..

You are reading this and shaking your head..you have the urge to comment to this blog that life is all just one big balancing act and that with time and age I’ll learn..right? Or you are rolling your eyes and saying get over it..just do it..right?

Yeah, that has been my response too..for years. For years when I was getting straight A’s and falling in love but forgetting to sleep or eat food that didn’t contain 100% sugar and caffeine.. or years where I was missing classes to make it to work and wracking up debt because I refused to live without a new outfit every week (ah..to be 21 with a Gap card again)..Flash and burn relationships?? I did that… Dropping out of all my friends lives suddenly and then popping back up 3 months later..Did that! Taking 18 hours my last semester when I only needed 12 just because..Owned that! Worked 12 hours a day for a week AND did grad work AND held down a long distance relationship with a princess AND coordinated a move across the country AND had panic attacks while driving..CREATED THAT!!

So when does that wisdom with experience and age start to play? I’m 26 yeah sure.. but I have goals and ambitions and I live in a city where there is something to do every damn night.. I’m missing out on life on all levels because I keep getting stuck having to back track to run down that part of my life I dropped back there and starting over.

When do we fast forward to the part where I’m all being FIERCE, smart, and ambitious all day in my Dapper Boi outfits..then jetting off for a fab 5k..and getting drinks with a bunch of amazing other young people that also have this fab life..and then leaving to have a romantic dinner… and when do my weekends get filled with wild inappropriate behavior at parties that I will later have to explain in my later political life..and weekends away for cute cuddling and raunchy sexiness???

Oh.. what is that you say?? I can’t have it all right away? I have to work hard on each thing and build toward all of that amazingness? I’m only 26 no matter how old I feel?

Fine. FINE! I’ll just take my time and work it out..

7 Lessons from the second half of my week.. yay for self/life/world discovery 🙂

  1. I’m inspired by lots.. and when I sit back and be still..I find more things to get inspired by everyday.
  2. Pain really  messes with your mental and emotional stability (I will go completely nuts if I can’t just go for a walk without feeling like death in the next week 😦 )
  3. Most of the time I have the mind and wisdom of a 80 year old…but sometimes I slip to 26 (or 16 and that ish is not always pretty..good thing it’s very rare)
  4. The smell of privilege makes me nauseous. It smells like trust funds, luxury vehicles and entitlement. (This I learned while driving through USC)
  5. There REALLY is something important about seeing real live people that look like you. (Thank god for trips to South LA)
  6. There is such a thing as TOO sweet.
  7. June gloom and this Southern-California-is-colder-than-the-rest-of-the-country-during-june BS was made by the Devil.

What IS in a name?

Recently I was asked whether I go by my full first name or the shortened version. It kind of threw me for a loop. People don’t normally ask, they just decide between the two and go with it or call me both interchangeably. So I started thinking.

I guess I’m a woman of many names… If you know me from back in the day online days you call me Neo (my love also calls me Neo.. but a more naughty Neo.. ;)..) or possibly Lyrik, If you know me from before undergrad you probably call me Jessica (because I use to be super crazy about not shortening my name unless we were extra tight), if you know me from undergrad and you are LGBTQ then you call me Pacey (there was another Jessica already in my circle), if you are either my mother or my little sister you call me by a name which I will not put on here because people like to catch hold to it and never let go, and if you know me from after undergrad till now..then it’s just a free for all.lol

I guess I don’t care because I actually HATE my given name. Not because I don’t think it is a good name to have or that it doesn’t have it’s benefits. I just don’t think I look like a Jessica. It’s kinda cool to surprise new people (like in interviews) with who I am. Since I was 16 I’ve been aware that people think they are going to meet with a nice white girl when they read my name and talk to me on the phone (my voice sounds like a Jessica.lol) and then BAM..Black chick with natural hair walks in (and now a MOC presenting Black chick walks in). People really do tell on themselves all in the face though.lol

So..you would think I would be more than happy to just tell everyone to shorten my name to just Jess and keep it moving.

But not so much.

I like Jess MUCH better but there is still a disconnect between me and that shortened version as well. (and I also have aversion to ppl thinking that my shortened name is related to my MOC-ness and my discomfort with feeling like there is some judgment in the “labeled” communities that wants to outcast you if you don’t conform to things like not having a girly name.. and my feelings of living life in the middle..but that’s another blog for another day) I’m also so not use to introducing myself as Jess… but I almost always close things like emails with it. I love when Jess is a name given to me out of love…I hate when it is a term given to me out of coolness.

Confused much? Me too.. I guess I’m writing this blog just to air out all the things in my head around this. I guess i’m trying to figure out how important a name is to me and if my name and it’s meaning take up as much space in this universe as your spirit and actions and truth…is your name suppose to reflect those things?

I admire my friends who have taken/discovered names that fit them…and I know so many people taking new names for a million different reasons.

Maybe one day you all will come here and I will be announcing that I am claiming a new name… maybe I’ll always be some mash up of the names that seem to change to fit the time period in my life and that sometimes measure how close you are to me.

Or maybe.. I’ll be like Prince when Oprah asked him what she should call him and he replied “Friend, I hope”

I am a member of the fatherless tribe.. one of the many women wandering this earth with a father that they know..that knows them…that is just plain absent.

Sometimes father’s have their reasons. Sometimes they come back. Sometimes they friend you on facebook and then send you really great music. Oh..that’s just me and mine? Oh.

I was so sad friday when I came home and learned that Gil Scott Heron died.. I always imagined that he was a lot like my father.. kinda the same age & some of the same demons…and when I first heard the song below… I always imagined that the message was from my father.

RIP GSH…we will miss  you..one of the most amazing messengers we’ll ever know and the man that made me feel less like a fatherless child.

My lessons are late this week..but here you go..

  1. Cis men are high maintenance and not in the cute way that women are. I’m glad I’m not into them. I am starting to value the Cis hetero men in my life that aren’t diva’s though.
  2. Sometimes life get’s completely out of control and makes no sense at all..and then all of a sudden everything goes right (My Bff’s life taught me that)
  3. I have a very narrow definition of friend..and i’m ok with that. It just means that if I call you a friend you are SUPER special to me.
  4. I love bitchy gays..I think I have one living inside of me.
  5. I don’t call my family enough..and they let me know often. :/
More this weekend!!

An Open Letter to those I call Friend:

Today (thanks to Oprah and her final show) I have been thinking about how caught up I get in the crisis and chaos in my life.. how sometimes I get so focused on finding a solution to the problem that I don’t learn from it. Sometimes I get so caught up going down the path that I THINK has been set up for me or that I WANT to be for me..that I miss all the signs that tell me that i’m going the wrong way.

I don’t make resolutions at the beginning of the year… I kind of feel like they either fail miserably because there is no real intention behind them or they pave the way for me to be clinging to the wrong path simply because I don’t want to fail.  But at the beginning of this year I sat in a spiritual circle and set an intition to give up the need to control my life and all the situations in it.

I wouldn’t say I’ve failed at that intention.. I think I just forgot about it.

I also think I forgot about giving myself permission to be honest..to be myself.. to have my own opinions and make them heard..to disagree..to know that who I am is important to someone and that someone is ME! And..to know that being honest..no matter who doesn’t like my truth..it is MY truth and that I hurt myself more by not living in it to protect others than I could ever hurt other’s by living something they don’t like.

So here I am.. reminding myself that I am suppose to be working on not trying to control my life..working on taking a moment to step out of crisis and chaos to learn the lesson instead of controlling the solutions and outcomes…working on living MY truth no matter how different it is from those around me..

And if you are reading this.. I just ask that you call me out if you find me caught up..stressed out..lying about myself.

A swift kick in the ass is appreciated. 🙂