October 16, 2011 Note. To. Self.
I start and stop books constantly. I start and stop movies constantly..projects..hobbies..this blog. CONSTANTLY.
Sometimes it’s because I can’t keep the motivation I have in the beginning and others it’s because I just get too busy.
I sometimes suffer from a failure to launch out of fear or misplaced intentions.
But, I’ve come to realize that what I’m striving for and failing at is perfection.
I pick up a book or movie and want it to be the best thing ever..earth shattering..world changing..the book or film that I will look back and credit with changing my life for the better..then when it is not it is swiftly cast off into the pile with the rest of them. I pick up hobbies because I think I would be interested in them the way someone else is..because they seem like the thing to do to be the person I want to be..then if I am not the best at that hobby or it’s not the most entertaining/creative/constructive thing in the entire world I just let it fall to the back of my mind.
At 26 I think I am finally able to ACCEPT that I can never be perfect and BELIEVE that nobody is perfect..or..nobody can be perfect. It won’t and can’t happen. (With that said I still feel incredibly nauseous at this fact that I can never be perfect no matter how hard I work..because I work REALLY hard)
Today I looked over at my book shelf of half read books and thought to myself… “I wish I could just read those books”…like I look at myself in the mirror and think “I wish I could just be this girl”…or I look at my life and wish I could just live this life with it’s inperfections.. I wish I could just let my life be based on allowing myself to learn lessons as I go instead of tediously molding myself into the person I want to be..or others want me to be.
I want to stop striving for perfection and start striving to be free.
I want my list of ideas of who I want to become be based on the values I hold dear to me and not measured in how close I can get to a list of attributes I don’t even know fit me.
I want the freedom to change like the wind..to try out new things without the pressure of being the best..to meet new people and enjoy their wisdom as visitors and not conductors of my life..learn new ideas..have uncensored real life experiences without pretext of perfection.
I want to live life as a journey and not a destination…stop believing that life starts when I reach some goal that has too many variables to predict and start believing that this right now is life.
There will never be a better time than now.